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Eulogies are never easy. In many ways, they're our greatest public speaking challenge. Eulogies are not easy to listen to when they're about your most precious loved one. A eulogy is particularly difficult when you're the one giving it.

The word eulogy itself is derived from two Greek words 'eu' (pron. ev) meaning beautiful and 'logos' meaning word or study. This article is about what to include and how to structure your beautiful words, or eulogy. I'm assuming here that you're making a eulogy for a family member, or very close friend or colleague, rather than as the CEO representing a company.

Speaking of eulogies, the world's #1 fear is that of public speaking. It's such a universal fear that comedians joke that "most people would rather be in the coffin, than having to give the eulogy". Not quite. This article is about form and content: not overcoming your fear of public speaking.

Preparation Time Will Always be Limited
A eulogy can't be postponed or re-scheduled. Usually the person asked to give the eulogy is also involved helping to arrange the funeral, so accept that you have a limited time. In the short time you'll have, follow these steps to prepare your eulogy:

1. Set aside at least one quiet hour of preparation time
Make that an hour when nothing and no one is allowed to interrupt you. Take the phone off the hook and turn off those dreadful intrusions into our peace - your mobile (cell) phone.

2. Spend at least ten minutes in meditating about the person.
Within your hour-long preparation, sit quietly and think of absolutely nothing else except the person whose life you're going to honor. Think about when you first met, or if it's your parent, think about your earliest memories with her or him and think about the many little ways they helped you throughout your life. If your mother was less than perfect, her eulogy is not the place to suggest that she was anything other than wonderful and remarkable. Again, this is one time when over the top praise is the order of the day, not she tried her hardest to be a good mother.'

3.Capture the Person's Essence
After that meditation, jot down some notes to convey to us the most splendid thing about her/him. The last eulogy I gave was at my father-in-law Vasilis's funeral. And although I was born in Ireland, I delivered it in Greek. In his case, he was originally a shepherd in Greece. His son, my late husband Sotiris (Sam), and I were both tertiary educated professionals. One might think therefore that Vasilis had achieved very little in life. In fact, he achieved more than most of our most famous public figures, more than many highly schooled people I know.

What was that great and rare achievement? He loved, accepted and welcomed me from the beginning although I was neither Greek, nor of his religion and at that time I didn't speak Greek. In fact, one might say that I represented everything he didn't want as a wife for his only son. However, he loved me. His great achievement was his ability to love, tenderly and truly beyond the narrow confines of his ethnic, religious and cultural background. As I said in my tribute to him, in the Greek language I learned, his acceptance and love were no small feats in a world torn by division and by ethnic and religious intolerance.

The person you're speaking about may or may not have written great books, music, or run companies. If they had, tell your listeners how you admired those achievements. Tell them also about the human behind the famous writer, politician, sportsperson. Tell them also how truly great the humblest person can be.

4. Think about one amusing and highly recognisable characteristic about the deceased person.
Tell a short anecdote that captures that unique trait. A funeral is a sombre occasion, but your eulogy must celebrate the person's life. Therefore, it must be uplifting and it can be amusing. Once you have followed those steps and you have written the anecdotes which best capture your father, father-in-law, best friend, spend time thinking how best to convey that information in a succinct way. Eulogies are definitely best kept very short. If you feel up to it, tell the congregation how you feel about losing the person. If yours is the only speech to be given, end your address by saying "I know I speak on behalf of everyone here when I say 'God speed' or ' Go well' or 'our lives were enriched by knowing you, and always will be." Never be afraid to show your genuine sadness by crying, but please refuse to give the eulogy if you know you'll be too upset to speak.

Once you've written your eulogy, rehearse it as I've advised with all your presentations.  Although it's a eulogy, you still have to look at timing.  You don't get a carte blanche to go on for fifteen minutes or even more.  That's especially so if there are other speakers. 

 

In general you should be able to pay proper tribute to someone in approximately five minutes, which represents about 750 words.  The church or funeral parlor won't blow up if you speak for more than five minutes, but cutting back during this crucial preparation time  gives you a bit of leeway during the ceremony.  You can add a couple of salient anecdotes if you feel up to it.  Please consider your very special 'audience'.  I'm referring here to people who will be feeling extremely upset, so four or five eulogies, though uplifting, could also be quite upsetting.  

5. Write your talk out as dot points.
Once you feel you can make the speech without your written text, reduce the text to mnemonics or memory cues. Please try not to read the speech word for word. It will sound much more sincere if you look at the people attending the funeral rather than read your eulogy.

Be Kind To Yourself
Having said that it's much better if you can use only cue cards, or memory prompts, remember that the eulogy is not only about public speaking standards. It's about speaking from your heart: about losing someone precious. So if you'll feel better reading the entire text, you do that. As I make plain through my public speaking coaching little steps are the way to public speaking success. Making a eulogy is a giant step for all of us.